Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws

When evaluating a person as a potential mate, many people fail to consider one very important dimension: the other person’s family.  Often, they begin to fall in love before they’ve ever met the family.  While I’m not suggesting that your choice to marry someone be dependent on the type of family they come from, it is a very important dimension of the relationship that needs to be taken into consideration.

While the commandment is to “cleave unto” your spouse (Genesis 2:24), it doesn’t mean that your family of origin is to be “ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted” (Marvin J. Ashton, as quoted by Harper and Olsen, 2005).  You have to accept that even in “estranged” families, there is going to be some interaction with the in-laws (especially when grandchildren arrive), and whether or not this interaction is positive will have a great impact on your marriage. 

When I was dating my husband, I didn’t consider the influence of my in-laws as I should have, and in hindsight I wish my husband and I had agreed on certain parameters before we were married.   When we were dating, our contact with his family was very limited, and I assumed it would remain that way after we married.  His family has a very different belief system – on life in general as well as religion.  I felt somewhat uncomfortable around them, and I didn’t plan on forming any lasting relationships with my in-laws.  That all changed when the children were born.

I was somewhat overprotective of my first-born, and this conflicted with my in-laws newly developed interest in our family.  It created a lot of tension between my husband and me.  He saw our reaching out to them as a missionary effort, but I felt that going to their home put our child at risk.  After more children came and my oldest became more aware of his surroundings, we finally reached a compromise where we would meet his parents on what I call “neutral ground”.  When it came time to visit his hometown (they never came to our home to visit us), we would tell them we were in town and ask that they meet us at a local park or McDonald’s “so the kids would be better behaved” while we visited.  Although I know that they had reservations about this arrangement, they were cooperative, and I felt like it was a good compromise.

It wasn’t until ten years after we were married and my husband’s uncle died that I started to feel like part of the family.  I took the initiative to take a group family photo at the funeral, edit it, and distribute it to members of the family.  This small act of service opened doors that had been literally locked in the past, and our relationship improved vastly.  Unfortunately, it was just four years later that my husband’s father passed away suddenly.

4 Generation Photo, Taken in 2005

Harper and Olsen (2005) give some great advice for creating healthy ties with in-laws and extended families:

• Be faithful and supportive to your spouse, but don’t forget their parents.
• Frequency of contact and communication that does not interfere with each other’s being first in the marriage is an important step for building relationships with parent-in-law. 
• Use negotiation and compromise when deciding how much involvement should exist with extended family.
• Establish your own household if possible.
• Share more with your spouse than you do with your parents (confide in and counsel with your spouse.  Any counsel from outside sources should be considered prayerfully by both spouses together.
• DO NOT use your spouse as a mediator between you and your in-laws.  This will create strain on your marriage and can make your relationship with your in-laws worse.
• Find ways to personally build relationships with your in-laws as individuals. 

Since my father-in-law’s passing I have learned to not only forgive but also love him.  Essentially, my perspective has changed as I’ve matured.  I am grateful for my mother-in-law and her parents and am trying to establish better relationships with them despite our differences.  Though differing opinions between families can be still be frustrating, I know that my efforts to reach out to my in-laws means a lot to my husband.

References:

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended

     Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and

     healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to

     the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company. 

Becoming One

Many of us are familiar with the scripture where God commanded Adam and Eve to be one.  That doesn’t just mean one checking account, one house, or one bed.  He wants us to be one in purpose, just as Christ is one with His Father.  Doing so requires that we:

• Put the good of the marriage or family above our own interests.

Our position should be that “of cooperative consideration, carried out in perfect love and unselfishness” (Camilla Kimball, quoted by Miller, 2009).

• Seek to understand God’s will for our family, and act on it no matter what.

“In your family when there is a decision to be made that affects everyone, you and your wife together will seek whatever counsel you might need and together you will prayerfully come to a unified decision.” (Carlfred Broderick, quoted by Miller, 2009).

• Let our differences complement each other rather than cause contention.

“Men and women are created as complements. They complete one another. Paul told the Corinthians: ‘Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord’ (1 Corinthians 11:11). Men and women complement each other not only physically, but also emotionally and spiritually. The apostle Paul taught that ‘the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband’ and through them both the children are made holy (1 Corinthians 7:14). Men and women have different strengths and weaknesses, and marriage is a synergistic relationship in which spiritual growth is enhanced because of the differences” (Elder Merrill J. Bateman, “The Eternal Family,” 113).

• Stand as a united leadership at the head of our family, especially in parenting.
  • “It is vital that parents support each other in the presence of their children.  If parents disagree on parenting issues, they should discuss the issues in an ‘executive session’ without the children present.” (Miller, 2009)
  • If we aren’t careful in this, children will use it to their advantage, which will in turn weaken the family foundation.

Most importantly, unity in marriage requires that we live worthy of The Spirit.  This spirit will lead to “personal peace and a feeling of union with others.  It unifies souls.  A unified family, a unified Church, and a world at peace depend on unified souls” (Eyring, 1998). 

In order to have The Spirit with us we need to: 1) put God first in our lives; 2) always remember Him; 3) keep all of His commandments 4) “see the good in each other and speak well of each other whenever we can” 5) forgive and “bear no malice toward those who offend us; 6) stay clean; and 7) beware of pride” (Eyring, 1998).

I know that when there is a lack of unity in my marriage, the whole family suffers.  Disunity is accompanied by contention and The Spirit, offended, leaves our home.  Conversely, the spirit of unity is one of love – the Christ-like love that is charity.   

The marriage of President and Marjorie Hinckley has always been a wonderful example to me. 

  

References:

Ballard, M. Russell (1997) “Counseling With Your Councils.” Chapter 2 (Accessible Version)

Eyring, Henry B. "That We May Be One" Ensign, May 1998, 66.

Miller, Richard B. “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.” BYU Conference on

            Family Life, Brigham Young University, March 28, 2009.

Safeguarding Your Marriage from Infidelity

You never thought it would lead to this. You were just trying to be friendly and helpful, or you thought it would be a good missionary opportunity.  As you spent more and more time together, however, you began feeling closer to them.  When you were apart, you often found your thoughts turning towards them.  You began to prefer their company over your spouse’s, and as you find you and your spouse becoming increasingly distant from one another, you begin to entertain thoughts of how it would be to be married to this other person.  The next thing you know, the opportunity to act on those thoughts presents itself, and it seemed to happen so naturally you don’t realize how far you’ve gone until it is too late. 

Fidelity in marriage goes beyond ensuring you haven’t committed physical acts of intimacy with someone other than your spouse.  In fact, those that have crossed the line rarely intended to at the onset of their relationship with the other person.  If we are not vigilant, we can easily cross into a “danger zone” (Matheson, 2009) that leads to heartache and destroyed trust.

My husband and I have committed with one another to never spend time alone with someone of the opposite sex, even while driving, and to include our spouse in any one-on-one communication with someone of the opposite sex.  This may sound extreme to some people, but we want to avoid even the “appearance of evil” (1 Thessalonians 5:22).  So, if my husband needs to talk to the YW president on the phone to coordinate activities, then I am in the same room.  If I have to send a text to my son’s basketball coach, then I show it to my husband.  I want all of my associations with the opposite sex to be completely transparent.  “Avoiding is better than resisting” (Goddard, 2009, 95).

The Lord’s standard for fidelity includes emotional and spiritual as well as physical fidelity.  In what ways do people commit emotional and spiritual infidelity?

Kenneth W. Matheson, Professor of School of Social Work at Brigham Young University outlined this in an article he wrote for the September 2009 Ensign :

·         Emotional Infidelity:  When emotions and thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse.

·         Spiritual Infidelity:  When a person does not honor their temple covenants and keep their thoughts in accordance with their covenants.

In sum, fidelity “means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife.” (2009). If you are not wholly and completely committed to your spouse, then you need to repent.  In modern-day revelation as recorded in the Doctrine and Covenants, God has commanded that “Thou shalt love thy wife [or husband] with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her [or him] and none else” (D&C 42:22).  

President Ezra Taft Benson expounded on this:

“The words none else eliminate everyone and everything.  The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.” (1972

For the sake of your marriage, it’s good to take a regular self-assessment of relationships outside of our marriage.  Matheson gives us some great questions to answer for this (2009):

Satan is very subtle.  As we are aware of his tactics and stay vigilant, our marriages can thrive under the protective canopy of complete trust and commitment. 

References:

Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Kimball, Spencer W., Faith Precedes the Miracle, 1972, 142-43.

Matheson, K.W. "Fidelity in marriage: It's more than you think." Ensign, Sept. 2009, 13-16.

What Now?

You will never be “done” improving your marriage; it’s an ongoing process that requires ongoing awareness and attention.  As in all things that are worth having, a happy marriage only happens when we put forth a conscientious effort.  Some may view this as more of a sacrifice than they are willing to make, but I have found that the reward is well worth it.  I will admit that, though I knew it was something I needed, I was hesitant to take this class and procrastinated it for a few semesters.  After all, it wasn’t as though we were on the brink of divorce, and I had reconciled myself with where we were at.  Besides, it was in my comfort zone and I honestly didn’t feel the need to change.

However, as I have tried to incorporate the principles taught in the Goddard and Gottman texts, the results have made me wonder why on earth I waited so long!  Though far from perfect, I can attest to the power behind these principles.  Rather than trying to change my husband, I now have a great toolbox from which to work on “fixing” myself and enhancing our relationship.  I don’t have to count on him doing anything differently in order to find more personal (and collective) peace and happiness in our marriage.  It’s empowering and enlightening to know what really does work. 

But there’s so much to remember!  How on earth will I be able to incorporate all of this in my already-crammed-life?  These are the thoughts I was having as I worked through this week’s readings. Then I came to the “Magic Six Hours” section in Gottman’s (2015) afterword.  Here he shows the practical application of his principles in just six hours per week.

Admit it: 

You can easily waste that much time on social media or other terrestrial tasks.  Why not use that time to create a celestial marriage you can enjoy here and now?

References:

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.

Coping with Marital Conflict

Two different people + Two different backgrounds + Two different personalities = Conflict

Every marriage is going to experience some type of conflict simply because you cannot clone and marry yourself.  It’s inevitable. The difference between happy and dissatisfied couples is in being able to keep these conflicts “in their place and approach them with a sense of humor” (Gottman, 2015, 138).  Gottman teaches that “Marriages are successful to the degree that the problems you choose are ones you can cope with” (Gottman, 2015, 139).  Early in my marriage I found it hard to “cope” with any of the ways my husband and I differed.  I’m a bit of a perfectionist, “Type A” if you will, and my husband is pretty laid back. This caused a lot of discord between us, mostly because in trying to address these issues I was very critical and condescending.  Any time I would try to approach him with what I deemed a reasonable request, it was met with defensiveness and contempt. This led to avoidance because trying to problem solve was very emotionally taxing and never seemed to make a difference.  Just as Gottman asserts, this avoidance led to emotional disengagement, which neither of us enjoyed, but seemed the only option as the “lesser of the two evils”.

I would definitely not choose avoidance again.  Conflict doesn’t have to burden us emotionally.  Following are keys we can utilize to cope effectively with our marital conflicts.

Keys to Managing Conflict:

1.      Negative emotions are important.  Successful relationships live by the motto “When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen.”  This isn’t pleasant, but we need to learn to listen to our spouses without feeling attacked in order to encourage healing.

2.      No one is right.  There is no absolute right, just two different perceptions (which are subjective).

3.      Acceptance is critical.  If we want our spouse to listen, they must believe that we understand, respect, and accept them for who they are.  Make sure that your spouse feels known and respected rather than criticized or demeaned.

4.      Focus on fondness and admiration.  Overlook your partner’s shortcomings and oddities, and view them as “amusing parts of the whole package”.  In order to do this, we must forgive one another.  In forgiving our spouse, we also give ourselves a liberating gift.  (James E. Faust, “The Healing Power of Forgiveness”, April 2004 General Conference).  

Fifteen years later we have retained our basic personality differences, but the conflict between us is no longer overwhelming, simply because we are learning better strategies in dealing with them.  

There are five different steps that Gottman teaches for effective problem solving in a loving relationship: 1) Soften your start-up; 2) learn to make and receive repair attempts; 3) soothe yourself and each other; 4) compromise; 5) process any grievances so that they don’t linger.

I’d like to close this post with a focus on how we can implement the first of these steps, since that is where I found myself most lacking in my past attempts at problem solving with my spouse. 

How to Soften Your Start-Up:

Image from https://www.gottman.com

Gottman teaches that the best soft start-up has four parts: 1) “I share some responsibility for this…” 2) Here’s how I feel… 3) about a specific situation and 4) here’s what I need (positive need, not what you don’t need).  (2015, 165). 

Remember: 

·         Keep the 4 Horsemen Out of It!  This should be a direct complaint rather than a criticism or contemptuous action.

·         Take some responsibility for the problem. “I know this isn’t all your fault.  I know I play a role in this issue as well.”

I know that implementing this seemingly small step in conflict resolution can make a big difference our marriages. 

References:

Faust, James E.   “The Healing Power of Forgiveness” April 2007 General Conference.

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.

Humility: The Key to Harmony

Irreconcilable Differences

Many marriages end on the terms of “irreconcilable differences”.  There isn’t any abuse or infidelity, but the spouses have determined that getting along with one another is impossible: they are just too different.  As I was reading Goddard’s chapter on Humility and Repentance, I think another way we could word this is by saying “You don’t see things from my perspective, and I just can’t accept your perspective.”  Neither spouse is willing to admit that there is any merit in their partner’s point of view, and this means that they are wrong or flawed.  Unless they change to conform to my selfish wants, I refuse to stay in the relationship.” 

The underlying cause for this mindset is pride.  Goddard teaches us that when we are prideful “We define the problem-whatever it is- in terms of our partner…We are innocent.  They are guilty.  Our narrow focus keeps us from noticing our own gaps in knowledge, our personal failings as well as the good qualities and good intentions of our partners” (2009, 72).  I know I’ve had many arguments that were never resolved simply because I was so intent on proving myself right that I refused to see my spouse’s point of view.  If we want a successful marriage, we must take our spouse’s perspective into account and “actively search for common ground [rather] than insisting on getting [our] way” (Gottman, 2015, 117). The truth is that “our perceptions are very limited.  We rarely know our partner’s heart or God’s purposes” (Goddard, 2009, 81).  It requires humility to open our minds to “heaven’s view” and our spouse’s perspective (Hymn, “Let the Holy Spirit Guide”). 

Cultivating Humility

Humility is God’s antidote for pride, and in order to be humble we must repent.  Basically, we need to focus on drawing closer to God by changing ourselves through personal repentance.  When we try to change our spouses, we are turning our backs to God (Goddard, 2009, 69).  When we feel irritated with our spouse that is an indicator that we need to change our thinking (Goddard, 2009, 83).  The next time you feel irritation creeping in, stop and assess your line of thinking.  Could you switch your focus from the outside and instead look within?

“None of Us Wants to Be Seen as a Problem to be Fixed.” –Goddard 

President Ezra Taft Benson taught that if we are humble we esteem others “as ourselves…lifting them as high or higher than we are” (Ensign, May 1989, 4).  Rather than trying to change one another we should focus on simply loving and accepting our spouse as they are rather than trying to “fix” them.  “If you would have God have mercy on you, have mercy on [your spouses]” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, 241).  Only then will our relationships thrive.  John Gottman illustrates the power of appreciation over correcting using this tire analogy:

We all know that tires with a slow leak eventually flatten and leave you stranded.

Similarly, criticizing your spouse will get you nowhere.

References:

Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.

Turn Toward Your Spouse Instead of Away

This third principle explained in John Gottman’s Seven Principles is all about connecting with and being more attuned to your spouse.  Doing so is much less complicated and time consuming than we might think, but it does require awareness and consistency.  

Be aware of “bids for connection” from your spouse (Gottman, 2015, 88) and take the time to fill them.  (Visit Gottman's blog for a more detailed explanation of bids and their importance.)

Following are some examples Gottman gives of small ways we can “turn toward” our spouses (p. 95-96):

·         Commute to work together.

·         Celebrate family milestones.

·         Run errands together on a weekend.

·         Find time to just talk without interruptions – find time for your spouse to really listen to you.

·         Go to a party.

·         Call and/or think about each other during the workday.

·         Cook dinner, bake.

·         Clean house, do laundry.

·         Go out (no kids) for brunch or dinner.

      Finally, notice when your partner does turn towards you.

Remember:  "unhappy couples tend to underestimate how often this occurs” (Gottman, 2015, 95).  This week I have made a conscious effort to notice when my spouse turns toward me; doing so has shifted my mindset towards him helped me to be more patient and loving. 

Obstacles to Turning Toward

I believe that one reason I turn away from instead of towards my spouse is because I’ve expended too much emotional energy elsewhere, then I have nothing left to give.  In “turning toward” our spouse we can fund one another’s emotional accounts, but unfortunately I see us turning to hobbies, television, and other forms of recreation instead.  Why?

Partners may consider it too much of a sacrifice to give up their precious personal time for one another, but I am finding that as I make the effort to prayerfully set those things aside and take some time to connect with my husband, it fills my emotional bank account as well.  A few minutes of genuine connection with those that matter actually meets my needs in greater ways and does so more efficiently than spending all time I think I need on hobbies or social media.  It’s not that the latter is bad, but it should be kept in its place and not deter us from turning towards what matters most: our family relationships.

I have definitely been guilty of “disconnecting” myself from my spouse and others I love, and I see this pattern perpetuating throughout our family.  One big culprit of this is digital distraction (Gottman, 2015, 92).  It’s easy to mindlessly ignore each other’s emotional needs if we have a habit of dividing our attention.  We all need to take time to unplug, silence, and put away those things that keep us from being completely present with one another.  An intentional dinnertime with no distractions can be ideal, though I still find I struggle in making this happen for various reasons.  What has worked for your family?

References:

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.

To Know You is to Love You … and Cherish You

Gottman Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps

How well do you really know your spouse?  Courtship is a time when couples become familiar not only with the day-to-day workings in each other’s worlds, but also when they share their innermost desires and hopes for the future.  Unfortunately, after the wedding it’s easy to let the daily demands of work and parenthood distract us from continuing to be familiar with the details of our spouse’s lives, what their “life’s goals, worries, and hopes” are (Gottman, 2015, 54).  Gottman asserts the importance of making cognitive room for our spouse, or a love map, wherein we store the intimate details of each other’s world (2015, p. 54). 

Why is this important?

Following are a few of the gems I pulled from Chapter 4 in Gottman’s Seven Principles:

• If you don’t really know someone, how can you truly love them? (p.54)
• Couples who have detailed loved maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict. (p.54)
• The more you know and understand about each other, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you. (p. 56)

How well do you know your spouse?

I took the Love Maps Questionnaire and was surprised at how well I scored, yet it also made me realize that my “love map” of my spouse could definitely use some more detail.  For instance, I honestly couldn’t tell you his three favorite movies or the most stressful thing that happened to him as a child.  Do you?  Are you familiar with your spouse’s current stresses, their major hopes and aspiration in life?  Take the time to “expand and deepen your knowledge of each other”.  You can make it a game, as Gottman suggests, and pick 20 random questions to ask one another, earning points only for correct answers.  Remember to not pass judgement or give each other advice.  Your goal is simply to listen and learn about each other. 

“There are fewer greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood.” (p. 57) Giving this gift requires a small sacrifice of our time as we make it a priority to check in with each other daily and show a genuine interest in our spouses.  However, as with all worthy sacrifices, I think the rewards that will follow will exceed what we have given up.  We all change over time, so it’s important to stay up to date on each other’s lives.

Gottman Principle 2:  Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

Do you cherish your spouse?

The traditional marriage vows include a promise to “love, honor, and cherish” one another.  How is cherishing your spouse different from merely loving them?  Can you love your spouse without cherishing them?  After reading about the second principle I realized that while I feel I have always loved my spouse, I haven’t always cherished him in the way that I should. 

“When you acknowledge and openly discuss positive aspects of your partner and your marriage, your bond is strengthened.  This makes it much easier to address the problem areas in your marriage and initiate positive changes.”

How many times do we skip the first step and jump right in to trying to address the problems?  How successful is this approach?  J

I think that at times in our marriage I have shown love by merely putting up with our differences.  However, after completing a few of the exercises under this principle I’m learning how important it is to also cherish each other, or to have so many thoughts about my partner’s positive qualities that I’m more apt to minimize the negative ones. (Gottman, 2015, p. 79) Rather than just thinking “I love you, therefore I will tolerate you”, how much better it is to say: “You really are an amazing person and I am so lucky to call you my spouse.”  

Challenge:

Note ten positive qualities in your spouse and relate a recent time when they displayed this quality.  Write it down in a love note for them.  

I was personally amazed at the change of heart this exercise brought me.  It’s a great way to shift into a more positive, marriage-strengthening mindset. 

References:

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.

The Foundation of a Sound Relationship House

I don’t believe you will ever find a companion that thinks and acts exactly the way you would prefer, so it logically follows that every marriage is going to experience some conflict.  In the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman tells us that whether these conflicts or differences are truly detrimental to a relationship all depends on how they are handled, and this is determined by an overarching factor:  the strength of your friendship. 

“. . . Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately—they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.”  (Gottman, 2015, 21)

Gottman’s scientific research over the past forty years has taught him that the foundation of a loving marriage is a strong friendship:

            “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.” (Gottman, 2015, 22)

Have you ever had two people do the same thing, but your response was different?  This is mostly likely because you had a very different relationship with either person.  For example, let’s say that one person is a long-time friend that you have shared many positive experiences with; the other person is an aloof coworker that you only interact with at work and you have butted heads with them many times regarding work issues.  You’re at work, and this coworker left a filing cabinet drawer open, on which you hit your head.  Because this was done by someone you don’t have a positive relationship with, you are going to react much more negatively than if it was your friend that left the drawer open.  Why?  Because of Negative Sentiment Override (Gottman, 2015, 22). 

·         Negative Sentiment Override:  Everything gets interpreted in an increasingly negative manner. (“Yeah right, you’re sorry!  You probably did that on purpose!”)

Again, if it had been your long-time friend that left the cabinet drawer open, your reaction would be markedly different because generally, your thought about them are just more positive.  This is called Positive Sentiment Override, or PSO.

·         Positive Sentiment Override:  Positive thoughts about each other and your relationship are so prevalent that they tend to surpass your negative feelings.  You assume the best in that person. (“Ouch!  Oh, well.  It was an accident.  I probably should’ve been paying better attention”).

Learning this concept caused me to reflect on my own marriage:

How is the current level of negativity and positivity in our relationship?

Truthfully, it is much more positive than it has been in the past, but I am probably not trying to increase the level of positivity as much I should.  After understanding this concept though, I have a greater desire to put forth a more conscientious effort to do so.

Following are some ideas of how I will go about this, and they all stem back to the classic adage:

·      *  Find ways to connect with them daily.

·      * Give them your time (when was your last date?).

·      * Respect (and enjoy!) your differences.

·       * Be considerate.

·       * Look for ways to serve them.

·       * Show appreciation.

·       * Be loyal.

·       * Lighten up and have fun together!

·       * Seek their happiness above your own.

See this page on the Gottman Institute Site for more ideas on strengthening your marriage friendship. 

How would you measure the current sentiment in your marriage?  

What will you do differently to increase the positive sentiment in your relationship?

Covenant vs. Contractual Marriage

For a marriage to truly thrive and bring us the full measure of happiness that God intended, it must be seen as more than a legally-bound agreement.  Rather, we should view marriage as a sacred covenant.  Bruce C. Hafen of the Seventy taught that keeping marriage covenants requires spouses to “surrender unconditionally, obeying God and sacrificing for each other. Then they will discover what Alma called “incomprehensible joy” (Covenant Marriage, 1996).  While the world would celebrates easily-acquired temporal pleasures, they are shallow and short lived compared to the lasting joys and happiness that can only come through long-term commitment and sacrifice.   

In the same talk, Elder Hafen gave these distinctions between covenant marriages versus contractual marriages:

Contractual Marriage	Covenant Marriage
When troubles come, spouses seek happiness by walking away.	When troubles come, spouses seek happiness by working them through together.
Each person gives 50%	Each person give 100%
Spouses selfishly seek their own happiness.	Spouses selflessly look for ways to serve one another.
Critical	Complimentary
Autonomous – sees marriage and family as a type of bondage	United by ties of love– sees marriage and family as a haven of belonging

I think we could surmise that when spouses strive to develop any Christ-like attribute they are more likely to have a covenant marriage.  This reminds me of the phrase in the Family Proclamation which teaches that a successful marriage and family needs to be based on Christ’s teachings, including repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, and compassion (The Family, para. 7). 

It Takes 3

A covenant marriage involves three parties:  husband, wife, and Christ.  As we seek to involve Christ and his teachings into our marriage, it will have a positive influence our relationship with one another.  In the June 2006 Ensign, Elder David A. Bednar explained it this way: 

“The Lord Jesus Christ is the focal point in a covenant marriage relationship. Please notice how the Savior is positioned at the apex of this triangle, with a woman at the base of one corner and a man at the base of the other corner. Now consider what happens in the relationship between the man and the woman as they individually and steadily “come unto Christ” and strive to be “perfected in Him” (Moro. 10:32). Because of and through the Redeemer, the man and the woman come closer together.” 

Personal Application

In reading this I have to remind myself that if I want Christ to be a part of my marriage, then I need to strive to emulate Him in the way I treat my spouse.  Are there any attitudes or beliefs within my marriage that are contrary to His example?  I know that I can use the power of His atonement to overcome these personal weaknesses and improve my marriage relationship. 

References:

Bednar, David. Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan.  Ensign. June 2006. 

Hafen, Bruce. Covenant Marriage.  Ensign. November 1996, 26.

Image:  http://fheconnection.blogspot.com/2012/10/lesson-1-covenant-marriage-relationship.html

The family: A proclamation to the world. (1995, November).    Ensign, 25, p. 102.

Supreme Court Ruling Legalizing Same Sex Marriage

“Sin, even if legalized by man, is still sin in the eyes of God.”

– Russell M. Nelson

Breaking the Rules of Democracy

Reading the summarization of the Supreme Court in Obergefell v. Hodges (2015) was very enlightening, and almost frightening.  It is enlightening to me to have a better understanding of the role of judiciary as pointed out he by the dissenting judges; it’s frightening to me that my ignorance, and perhaps the ignorance of many other Americans, let these Justices get away with it.  When I read the dissenting arguments, it is blatantly clear to me that the Supreme Court justices overstepped their legal roles. 

My understanding is that the job of Supreme Court judges is to uphold constitutional rights and interpret the law, as it has been defined by the people, not to impose their own law.  However, in mandating that all states must recognize and legalize same-sex marriages, they have done just that.  They, as an unelected, unaccountable, and partisan minority, have forced the making of a new law for the entire country.  Our government was designed to support a democratic process where states, through legislation, have the right to enact laws according to the votes of the people or those they have chosen to represent them, and this ruling has not followed these guidelines:

“And to allow the policy question of same-sex marriage to be considered and resolved by a select, patrician, highly unrepresentative panel of nine is to violate a principle even more fundamental than no taxation without representation: no social transformation without representation (Obergefell v. Hodges, 2015, 74).

The ruling of The Supreme Court was anything BUT democratic.  As aforementioned, they are unelected officials; they do not represent the people of the United States.  They are there for their legal expertise to interpret law, not make new laws.  They are also denying the basic freedom our forefathers fought for:  the “freedom to govern” ourselves (Obergefell v. Hodges, 2015, 70), as no American had the opportunity to vote according to their conscience in this decision.

Threat to Religious Freedom

I’m also disturbed at the court’s decision in its inherent threat of our right to practice our religious beliefs.   If a religious entity, such as BYU-Idaho, chooses to exercise its religion and only permit opposite-sex married couples to live in married housing, they could be penalized for it by the federal government (Obergefell v. Hodges, 2015, 66-67).  We may even see it in our tithing and other offerings not being recognized as legitimate charitable contributions because The Church, due to refusing to accept same-sex marriages, has lost its standing in the eyes of the federal government.

On the same note, I want to maintain my right to attend a religious school, knowing that I can practice my religion freely there without being forced to concede with socially popular ideas that go against my religious views, such as being able to live in a girls’ dorm with girls only.  

I’m appalled that the Court got away with this act.  They did not have the right to re-define marriage and legalize same-sex marriages in all states.  If our country does not adhere to the divinely-inspired fundamentals of our democratic government, we are at risk of losing even our most basic freedoms.  We must take back our right to govern ourselves.   

This video of Elder Dallin H. Oaks is a great commentary on religious freedom.

What Happens Now?

In the Religious Freedom Annual Review conference, Alexander Dushku says that the outcome depends on us.  “If supporters of traditional marriage retreat; if they are intimidated into silence; if they give up trying to find the right words and arguments to defend their beliefs; if they do not stand as witnesses and living examples of the goodness of their beliefs; and if people of good will do not at least stand up for the rights of others to dissent in good faith and yet still be numbered among us as our fellow citizens, neighbors, colleagues, and friends, then the Supreme Court’s gay marriage decision will indeed become a disaster for religious liberty” (Dushku, 2015, Brigham Young University). 

What Supporters of Traditional Marriage Can Do

All is not lost.  In continuing with Dushku’s advice, we can still help determine the end result:

“But if those who support traditional marriage are indeed examples of what is highest and best about their beliefs, if they, like the pro-lifers, refuse to be silenced; if they find ways to explain and persuade with reason as well as kindness, meekness, and love; and if they cheerfully but resolutely endure the indignities that will indeed be visited upon them without bitterness, asking for only toleration, understanding, and their basic rights as Americans, then I believe that ultimately the great goodness and decency of the American people will rise up, and our culture and law will carve out and protect enough spaces so that people of faith and their institutions who maintain traditional beliefs about marriage, family and sexuality can participate fully in all aspects of American life.  Now that will not happen all at once.  Those of us who hold such beliefs are assuredly in for some difficult and uncertain times.  Sacrifices are going to have to be made.  Carefully chosen lawsuits will have to be filed.  … But I am hopeful that in the end, if we stand firm, both our culture and the law will accord those who believe in traditional marriage with the respect and freedom they deserve” (Dushku, 2015, Brigham Young University).

I love this quote from Elder Russell M. Nelson:

“The day is gone when you can be a quiet and comfortable Christian. Your religion is not just about showing up for church on Sunday. It is about showing up as a true disciple from Sunday morning through Saturday night- 24/7! There is no such thing as a part-time disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ” (Disciples and the Defense of Marriage, August 2015 Ensign).

We must remember that marriage “was not created by lobbyists.  Marriage was created by God! … Man simply cannot make moral what God has declared to be immoral” (Nelson, 2014).  If we are to stand as disciples of Jesus Christ, then we must also “stand as defenders of marriage” as ordained by God:  between one man and one woman.  I believe that if we do so with humility and love, and charity, we can make a difference. 

References:

Dushku, Alexander (July 7, 2015). The religious freedom implications of the Supreme Court’s decision on same-sex marriage in Obergefell V. Hodges. Religious Freedom Annual Review (Conference), Brigham Young University.  http://www.iclrs.org/content/events/111/2130.mp4

Nelson, Russell M. (2014, Aug. 14). Disciples of Jesus Christ-Defenders of Marriage. Brigham Young University Commencement.

Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U.S. (2015). Supreme Court of the United States.