Turn Toward Your Spouse Instead of Away

This third principle explained in John Gottman’s Seven Principles is all about connecting with and being more attuned to your spouse.  Doing so is much less complicated and time consuming than we might think, but it does require awareness and consistency.  

Be aware of “bids for connection” from your spouse (Gottman, 2015, 88) and take the time to fill them.  (Visit Gottman's blog for a more detailed explanation of bids and their importance.)

Following are some examples Gottman gives of small ways we can “turn toward” our spouses (p. 95-96):

·         Commute to work together.

·         Celebrate family milestones.

·         Run errands together on a weekend.

·         Find time to just talk without interruptions – find time for your spouse to really listen to you.

·         Go to a party.

·         Call and/or think about each other during the workday.

·         Cook dinner, bake.

·         Clean house, do laundry.

·         Go out (no kids) for brunch or dinner.

      Finally, notice when your partner does turn towards you.

Remember:  "unhappy couples tend to underestimate how often this occurs” (Gottman, 2015, 95).  This week I have made a conscious effort to notice when my spouse turns toward me; doing so has shifted my mindset towards him helped me to be more patient and loving. 

Obstacles to Turning Toward

I believe that one reason I turn away from instead of towards my spouse is because I’ve expended too much emotional energy elsewhere, then I have nothing left to give.  In “turning toward” our spouse we can fund one another’s emotional accounts, but unfortunately I see us turning to hobbies, television, and other forms of recreation instead.  Why?

Partners may consider it too much of a sacrifice to give up their precious personal time for one another, but I am finding that as I make the effort to prayerfully set those things aside and take some time to connect with my husband, it fills my emotional bank account as well.  A few minutes of genuine connection with those that matter actually meets my needs in greater ways and does so more efficiently than spending all time I think I need on hobbies or social media.  It’s not that the latter is bad, but it should be kept in its place and not deter us from turning towards what matters most: our family relationships.

I have definitely been guilty of “disconnecting” myself from my spouse and others I love, and I see this pattern perpetuating throughout our family.  One big culprit of this is digital distraction (Gottman, 2015, 92).  It’s easy to mindlessly ignore each other’s emotional needs if we have a habit of dividing our attention.  We all need to take time to unplug, silence, and put away those things that keep us from being completely present with one another.  An intentional dinnertime with no distractions can be ideal, though I still find I struggle in making this happen for various reasons.  What has worked for your family?

References:

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.