Humility: The Key to Harmony

Irreconcilable Differences

Many marriages end on the terms of “irreconcilable differences”.  There isn’t any abuse or infidelity, but the spouses have determined that getting along with one another is impossible: they are just too different.  As I was reading Goddard’s chapter on Humility and Repentance, I think another way we could word this is by saying “You don’t see things from my perspective, and I just can’t accept your perspective.”  Neither spouse is willing to admit that there is any merit in their partner’s point of view, and this means that they are wrong or flawed.  Unless they change to conform to my selfish wants, I refuse to stay in the relationship.” 

The underlying cause for this mindset is pride.  Goddard teaches us that when we are prideful “We define the problem-whatever it is- in terms of our partner…We are innocent.  They are guilty.  Our narrow focus keeps us from noticing our own gaps in knowledge, our personal failings as well as the good qualities and good intentions of our partners” (2009, 72).  I know I’ve had many arguments that were never resolved simply because I was so intent on proving myself right that I refused to see my spouse’s point of view.  If we want a successful marriage, we must take our spouse’s perspective into account and “actively search for common ground [rather] than insisting on getting [our] way” (Gottman, 2015, 117). The truth is that “our perceptions are very limited.  We rarely know our partner’s heart or God’s purposes” (Goddard, 2009, 81).  It requires humility to open our minds to “heaven’s view” and our spouse’s perspective (Hymn, “Let the Holy Spirit Guide”). 

Cultivating Humility

Humility is God’s antidote for pride, and in order to be humble we must repent.  Basically, we need to focus on drawing closer to God by changing ourselves through personal repentance.  When we try to change our spouses, we are turning our backs to God (Goddard, 2009, 69).  When we feel irritated with our spouse that is an indicator that we need to change our thinking (Goddard, 2009, 83).  The next time you feel irritation creeping in, stop and assess your line of thinking.  Could you switch your focus from the outside and instead look within?

“None of Us Wants to Be Seen as a Problem to be Fixed.” –Goddard 

President Ezra Taft Benson taught that if we are humble we esteem others “as ourselves…lifting them as high or higher than we are” (Ensign, May 1989, 4).  Rather than trying to change one another we should focus on simply loving and accepting our spouse as they are rather than trying to “fix” them.  “If you would have God have mercy on you, have mercy on [your spouses]” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, 241).  Only then will our relationships thrive.  John Gottman illustrates the power of appreciation over correcting using this tire analogy:

We all know that tires with a slow leak eventually flatten and leave you stranded.

Similarly, criticizing your spouse will get you nowhere.

References:

Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.