Coping with Marital Conflict

Two different people + Two different backgrounds + Two different personalities = Conflict

Every marriage is going to experience some type of conflict simply because you cannot clone and marry yourself.  It’s inevitable. The difference between happy and dissatisfied couples is in being able to keep these conflicts “in their place and approach them with a sense of humor” (Gottman, 2015, 138).  Gottman teaches that “Marriages are successful to the degree that the problems you choose are ones you can cope with” (Gottman, 2015, 139).  Early in my marriage I found it hard to “cope” with any of the ways my husband and I differed.  I’m a bit of a perfectionist, “Type A” if you will, and my husband is pretty laid back. This caused a lot of discord between us, mostly because in trying to address these issues I was very critical and condescending.  Any time I would try to approach him with what I deemed a reasonable request, it was met with defensiveness and contempt. This led to avoidance because trying to problem solve was very emotionally taxing and never seemed to make a difference.  Just as Gottman asserts, this avoidance led to emotional disengagement, which neither of us enjoyed, but seemed the only option as the “lesser of the two evils”.

I would definitely not choose avoidance again.  Conflict doesn’t have to burden us emotionally.  Following are keys we can utilize to cope effectively with our marital conflicts.

Keys to Managing Conflict:

1.      Negative emotions are important.  Successful relationships live by the motto “When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen.”  This isn’t pleasant, but we need to learn to listen to our spouses without feeling attacked in order to encourage healing.

2.      No one is right.  There is no absolute right, just two different perceptions (which are subjective).

3.      Acceptance is critical.  If we want our spouse to listen, they must believe that we understand, respect, and accept them for who they are.  Make sure that your spouse feels known and respected rather than criticized or demeaned.

4.      Focus on fondness and admiration.  Overlook your partner’s shortcomings and oddities, and view them as “amusing parts of the whole package”.  In order to do this, we must forgive one another.  In forgiving our spouse, we also give ourselves a liberating gift.  (James E. Faust, “The Healing Power of Forgiveness”, April 2004 General Conference).  

Fifteen years later we have retained our basic personality differences, but the conflict between us is no longer overwhelming, simply because we are learning better strategies in dealing with them.  

There are five different steps that Gottman teaches for effective problem solving in a loving relationship: 1) Soften your start-up; 2) learn to make and receive repair attempts; 3) soothe yourself and each other; 4) compromise; 5) process any grievances so that they don’t linger.

I’d like to close this post with a focus on how we can implement the first of these steps, since that is where I found myself most lacking in my past attempts at problem solving with my spouse. 

How to Soften Your Start-Up:

Image from https://www.gottman.com

Gottman teaches that the best soft start-up has four parts: 1) “I share some responsibility for this…” 2) Here’s how I feel… 3) about a specific situation and 4) here’s what I need (positive need, not what you don’t need).  (2015, 165). 

Remember: 

·         Keep the 4 Horsemen Out of It!  This should be a direct complaint rather than a criticism or contemptuous action.

·         Take some responsibility for the problem. “I know this isn’t all your fault.  I know I play a role in this issue as well.”

I know that implementing this seemingly small step in conflict resolution can make a big difference our marriages. 

References:

Faust, James E.   “The Healing Power of Forgiveness” April 2007 General Conference.

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.