The Foundation of a Sound Relationship House

I don’t believe you will ever find a companion that thinks and acts exactly the way you would prefer, so it logically follows that every marriage is going to experience some conflict.  In the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman tells us that whether these conflicts or differences are truly detrimental to a relationship all depends on how they are handled, and this is determined by an overarching factor:  the strength of your friendship. 

“. . . Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately—they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.”  (Gottman, 2015, 21)

Gottman’s scientific research over the past forty years has taught him that the foundation of a loving marriage is a strong friendship:

            “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.” (Gottman, 2015, 22)

Have you ever had two people do the same thing, but your response was different?  This is mostly likely because you had a very different relationship with either person.  For example, let’s say that one person is a long-time friend that you have shared many positive experiences with; the other person is an aloof coworker that you only interact with at work and you have butted heads with them many times regarding work issues.  You’re at work, and this coworker left a filing cabinet drawer open, on which you hit your head.  Because this was done by someone you don’t have a positive relationship with, you are going to react much more negatively than if it was your friend that left the drawer open.  Why?  Because of Negative Sentiment Override (Gottman, 2015, 22). 

·         Negative Sentiment Override:  Everything gets interpreted in an increasingly negative manner. (“Yeah right, you’re sorry!  You probably did that on purpose!”)

Again, if it had been your long-time friend that left the cabinet drawer open, your reaction would be markedly different because generally, your thought about them are just more positive.  This is called Positive Sentiment Override, or PSO.

·         Positive Sentiment Override:  Positive thoughts about each other and your relationship are so prevalent that they tend to surpass your negative feelings.  You assume the best in that person. (“Ouch!  Oh, well.  It was an accident.  I probably should’ve been paying better attention”).

Learning this concept caused me to reflect on my own marriage:

How is the current level of negativity and positivity in our relationship?

Truthfully, it is much more positive than it has been in the past, but I am probably not trying to increase the level of positivity as much I should.  After understanding this concept though, I have a greater desire to put forth a more conscientious effort to do so.

Following are some ideas of how I will go about this, and they all stem back to the classic adage:

·      *  Find ways to connect with them daily.

·      * Give them your time (when was your last date?).

·      * Respect (and enjoy!) your differences.

·       * Be considerate.

·       * Look for ways to serve them.

·       * Show appreciation.

·       * Be loyal.

·       * Lighten up and have fun together!

·       * Seek their happiness above your own.

See this page on the Gottman Institute Site for more ideas on strengthening your marriage friendship. 

How would you measure the current sentiment in your marriage?  

What will you do differently to increase the positive sentiment in your relationship?