To Know You is to Love You … and Cherish You

Gottman Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps

How well do you really know your spouse?  Courtship is a time when couples become familiar not only with the day-to-day workings in each other’s worlds, but also when they share their innermost desires and hopes for the future.  Unfortunately, after the wedding it’s easy to let the daily demands of work and parenthood distract us from continuing to be familiar with the details of our spouse’s lives, what their “life’s goals, worries, and hopes” are (Gottman, 2015, 54).  Gottman asserts the importance of making cognitive room for our spouse, or a love map, wherein we store the intimate details of each other’s world (2015, p. 54). 

Why is this important?

Following are a few of the gems I pulled from Chapter 4 in Gottman’s Seven Principles:

• If you don’t really know someone, how can you truly love them? (p.54)
• Couples who have detailed loved maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict. (p.54)
• The more you know and understand about each other, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you. (p. 56)

How well do you know your spouse?

I took the Love Maps Questionnaire and was surprised at how well I scored, yet it also made me realize that my “love map” of my spouse could definitely use some more detail.  For instance, I honestly couldn’t tell you his three favorite movies or the most stressful thing that happened to him as a child.  Do you?  Are you familiar with your spouse’s current stresses, their major hopes and aspiration in life?  Take the time to “expand and deepen your knowledge of each other”.  You can make it a game, as Gottman suggests, and pick 20 random questions to ask one another, earning points only for correct answers.  Remember to not pass judgement or give each other advice.  Your goal is simply to listen and learn about each other. 

“There are fewer greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood.” (p. 57) Giving this gift requires a small sacrifice of our time as we make it a priority to check in with each other daily and show a genuine interest in our spouses.  However, as with all worthy sacrifices, I think the rewards that will follow will exceed what we have given up.  We all change over time, so it’s important to stay up to date on each other’s lives.

Gottman Principle 2:  Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

Do you cherish your spouse?

The traditional marriage vows include a promise to “love, honor, and cherish” one another.  How is cherishing your spouse different from merely loving them?  Can you love your spouse without cherishing them?  After reading about the second principle I realized that while I feel I have always loved my spouse, I haven’t always cherished him in the way that I should. 

“When you acknowledge and openly discuss positive aspects of your partner and your marriage, your bond is strengthened.  This makes it much easier to address the problem areas in your marriage and initiate positive changes.”

How many times do we skip the first step and jump right in to trying to address the problems?  How successful is this approach?  J

I think that at times in our marriage I have shown love by merely putting up with our differences.  However, after completing a few of the exercises under this principle I’m learning how important it is to also cherish each other, or to have so many thoughts about my partner’s positive qualities that I’m more apt to minimize the negative ones. (Gottman, 2015, p. 79) Rather than just thinking “I love you, therefore I will tolerate you”, how much better it is to say: “You really are an amazing person and I am so lucky to call you my spouse.”  

Challenge:

Note ten positive qualities in your spouse and relate a recent time when they displayed this quality.  Write it down in a love note for them.  

I was personally amazed at the change of heart this exercise brought me.  It’s a great way to shift into a more positive, marriage-strengthening mindset. 

References:

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.