Turn Toward Your Spouse Instead of Away

This third principle explained in John Gottman’s Seven Principles is all about connecting with and being more attuned to your spouse.  Doing so is much less complicated and time consuming than we might think, but it does require awareness and consistency.  

Be aware of “bids for connection” from your spouse (Gottman, 2015, 88) and take the time to fill them.  (Visit Gottman's blog for a more detailed explanation of bids and their importance.)

Following are some examples Gottman gives of small ways we can “turn toward” our spouses (p. 95-96):

·         Commute to work together.

·         Celebrate family milestones.

·         Run errands together on a weekend.

·         Find time to just talk without interruptions – find time for your spouse to really listen to you.

·         Go to a party.

·         Call and/or think about each other during the workday.

·         Cook dinner, bake.

·         Clean house, do laundry.

·         Go out (no kids) for brunch or dinner.

      Finally, notice when your partner does turn towards you.

Remember:  "unhappy couples tend to underestimate how often this occurs” (Gottman, 2015, 95).  This week I have made a conscious effort to notice when my spouse turns toward me; doing so has shifted my mindset towards him helped me to be more patient and loving. 

Obstacles to Turning Toward

I believe that one reason I turn away from instead of towards my spouse is because I’ve expended too much emotional energy elsewhere, then I have nothing left to give.  In “turning toward” our spouse we can fund one another’s emotional accounts, but unfortunately I see us turning to hobbies, television, and other forms of recreation instead.  Why?

Partners may consider it too much of a sacrifice to give up their precious personal time for one another, but I am finding that as I make the effort to prayerfully set those things aside and take some time to connect with my husband, it fills my emotional bank account as well.  A few minutes of genuine connection with those that matter actually meets my needs in greater ways and does so more efficiently than spending all time I think I need on hobbies or social media.  It’s not that the latter is bad, but it should be kept in its place and not deter us from turning towards what matters most: our family relationships.

I have definitely been guilty of “disconnecting” myself from my spouse and others I love, and I see this pattern perpetuating throughout our family.  One big culprit of this is digital distraction (Gottman, 2015, 92).  It’s easy to mindlessly ignore each other’s emotional needs if we have a habit of dividing our attention.  We all need to take time to unplug, silence, and put away those things that keep us from being completely present with one another.  An intentional dinnertime with no distractions can be ideal, though I still find I struggle in making this happen for various reasons.  What has worked for your family?

References:

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.

To Know You is to Love You … and Cherish You

Gottman Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps

How well do you really know your spouse?  Courtship is a time when couples become familiar not only with the day-to-day workings in each other’s worlds, but also when they share their innermost desires and hopes for the future.  Unfortunately, after the wedding it’s easy to let the daily demands of work and parenthood distract us from continuing to be familiar with the details of our spouse’s lives, what their “life’s goals, worries, and hopes” are (Gottman, 2015, 54).  Gottman asserts the importance of making cognitive room for our spouse, or a love map, wherein we store the intimate details of each other’s world (2015, p. 54). 

Why is this important?

Following are a few of the gems I pulled from Chapter 4 in Gottman’s Seven Principles:

• If you don’t really know someone, how can you truly love them? (p.54)
• Couples who have detailed loved maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict. (p.54)
• The more you know and understand about each other, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you. (p. 56)

How well do you know your spouse?

I took the Love Maps Questionnaire and was surprised at how well I scored, yet it also made me realize that my “love map” of my spouse could definitely use some more detail.  For instance, I honestly couldn’t tell you his three favorite movies or the most stressful thing that happened to him as a child.  Do you?  Are you familiar with your spouse’s current stresses, their major hopes and aspiration in life?  Take the time to “expand and deepen your knowledge of each other”.  You can make it a game, as Gottman suggests, and pick 20 random questions to ask one another, earning points only for correct answers.  Remember to not pass judgement or give each other advice.  Your goal is simply to listen and learn about each other. 

“There are fewer greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood.” (p. 57) Giving this gift requires a small sacrifice of our time as we make it a priority to check in with each other daily and show a genuine interest in our spouses.  However, as with all worthy sacrifices, I think the rewards that will follow will exceed what we have given up.  We all change over time, so it’s important to stay up to date on each other’s lives.

Gottman Principle 2:  Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

Do you cherish your spouse?

The traditional marriage vows include a promise to “love, honor, and cherish” one another.  How is cherishing your spouse different from merely loving them?  Can you love your spouse without cherishing them?  After reading about the second principle I realized that while I feel I have always loved my spouse, I haven’t always cherished him in the way that I should. 

“When you acknowledge and openly discuss positive aspects of your partner and your marriage, your bond is strengthened.  This makes it much easier to address the problem areas in your marriage and initiate positive changes.”

How many times do we skip the first step and jump right in to trying to address the problems?  How successful is this approach?  J

I think that at times in our marriage I have shown love by merely putting up with our differences.  However, after completing a few of the exercises under this principle I’m learning how important it is to also cherish each other, or to have so many thoughts about my partner’s positive qualities that I’m more apt to minimize the negative ones. (Gottman, 2015, p. 79) Rather than just thinking “I love you, therefore I will tolerate you”, how much better it is to say: “You really are an amazing person and I am so lucky to call you my spouse.”  

Challenge:

Note ten positive qualities in your spouse and relate a recent time when they displayed this quality.  Write it down in a love note for them.  

I was personally amazed at the change of heart this exercise brought me.  It’s a great way to shift into a more positive, marriage-strengthening mindset. 

References:

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.

The Foundation of a Sound Relationship House

I don’t believe you will ever find a companion that thinks and acts exactly the way you would prefer, so it logically follows that every marriage is going to experience some conflict.  In the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman tells us that whether these conflicts or differences are truly detrimental to a relationship all depends on how they are handled, and this is determined by an overarching factor:  the strength of your friendship. 

“. . . Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately—they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.”  (Gottman, 2015, 21)

Gottman’s scientific research over the past forty years has taught him that the foundation of a loving marriage is a strong friendship:

            “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.” (Gottman, 2015, 22)

Have you ever had two people do the same thing, but your response was different?  This is mostly likely because you had a very different relationship with either person.  For example, let’s say that one person is a long-time friend that you have shared many positive experiences with; the other person is an aloof coworker that you only interact with at work and you have butted heads with them many times regarding work issues.  You’re at work, and this coworker left a filing cabinet drawer open, on which you hit your head.  Because this was done by someone you don’t have a positive relationship with, you are going to react much more negatively than if it was your friend that left the drawer open.  Why?  Because of Negative Sentiment Override (Gottman, 2015, 22). 

·         Negative Sentiment Override:  Everything gets interpreted in an increasingly negative manner. (“Yeah right, you’re sorry!  You probably did that on purpose!”)

Again, if it had been your long-time friend that left the cabinet drawer open, your reaction would be markedly different because generally, your thought about them are just more positive.  This is called Positive Sentiment Override, or PSO.

·         Positive Sentiment Override:  Positive thoughts about each other and your relationship are so prevalent that they tend to surpass your negative feelings.  You assume the best in that person. (“Ouch!  Oh, well.  It was an accident.  I probably should’ve been paying better attention”).

Learning this concept caused me to reflect on my own marriage:

How is the current level of negativity and positivity in our relationship?

Truthfully, it is much more positive than it has been in the past, but I am probably not trying to increase the level of positivity as much I should.  After understanding this concept though, I have a greater desire to put forth a more conscientious effort to do so.

Following are some ideas of how I will go about this, and they all stem back to the classic adage:

·      *  Find ways to connect with them daily.

·      * Give them your time (when was your last date?).

·      * Respect (and enjoy!) your differences.

·       * Be considerate.

·       * Look for ways to serve them.

·       * Show appreciation.

·       * Be loyal.

·       * Lighten up and have fun together!

·       * Seek their happiness above your own.

See this page on the Gottman Institute Site for more ideas on strengthening your marriage friendship. 

How would you measure the current sentiment in your marriage?  

What will you do differently to increase the positive sentiment in your relationship?

Covenant vs. Contractual Marriage

For a marriage to truly thrive and bring us the full measure of happiness that God intended, it must be seen as more than a legally-bound agreement.  Rather, we should view marriage as a sacred covenant.  Bruce C. Hafen of the Seventy taught that keeping marriage covenants requires spouses to “surrender unconditionally, obeying God and sacrificing for each other. Then they will discover what Alma called “incomprehensible joy” (Covenant Marriage, 1996).  While the world would celebrates easily-acquired temporal pleasures, they are shallow and short lived compared to the lasting joys and happiness that can only come through long-term commitment and sacrifice.   

In the same talk, Elder Hafen gave these distinctions between covenant marriages versus contractual marriages:

Contractual Marriage	Covenant Marriage
When troubles come, spouses seek happiness by walking away.	When troubles come, spouses seek happiness by working them through together.
Each person gives 50%	Each person give 100%
Spouses selfishly seek their own happiness.	Spouses selflessly look for ways to serve one another.
Critical	Complimentary
Autonomous – sees marriage and family as a type of bondage	United by ties of love– sees marriage and family as a haven of belonging

I think we could surmise that when spouses strive to develop any Christ-like attribute they are more likely to have a covenant marriage.  This reminds me of the phrase in the Family Proclamation which teaches that a successful marriage and family needs to be based on Christ’s teachings, including repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, and compassion (The Family, para. 7). 

It Takes 3

A covenant marriage involves three parties:  husband, wife, and Christ.  As we seek to involve Christ and his teachings into our marriage, it will have a positive influence our relationship with one another.  In the June 2006 Ensign, Elder David A. Bednar explained it this way: 

“The Lord Jesus Christ is the focal point in a covenant marriage relationship. Please notice how the Savior is positioned at the apex of this triangle, with a woman at the base of one corner and a man at the base of the other corner. Now consider what happens in the relationship between the man and the woman as they individually and steadily “come unto Christ” and strive to be “perfected in Him” (Moro. 10:32). Because of and through the Redeemer, the man and the woman come closer together.” 

Personal Application

In reading this I have to remind myself that if I want Christ to be a part of my marriage, then I need to strive to emulate Him in the way I treat my spouse.  Are there any attitudes or beliefs within my marriage that are contrary to His example?  I know that I can use the power of His atonement to overcome these personal weaknesses and improve my marriage relationship. 

References:

Bednar, David. Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan.  Ensign. June 2006. 

Hafen, Bruce. Covenant Marriage.  Ensign. November 1996, 26.

Image:  http://fheconnection.blogspot.com/2012/10/lesson-1-covenant-marriage-relationship.html

The family: A proclamation to the world. (1995, November).    Ensign, 25, p. 102.