Safeguarding Your Marriage from Infidelity

You never thought it would lead to this. You were just trying to be friendly and helpful, or you thought it would be a good missionary opportunity.  As you spent more and more time together, however, you began feeling closer to them.  When you were apart, you often found your thoughts turning towards them.  You began to prefer their company over your spouse’s, and as you find you and your spouse becoming increasingly distant from one another, you begin to entertain thoughts of how it would be to be married to this other person.  The next thing you know, the opportunity to act on those thoughts presents itself, and it seemed to happen so naturally you don’t realize how far you’ve gone until it is too late. 

Fidelity in marriage goes beyond ensuring you haven’t committed physical acts of intimacy with someone other than your spouse.  In fact, those that have crossed the line rarely intended to at the onset of their relationship with the other person.  If we are not vigilant, we can easily cross into a “danger zone” (Matheson, 2009) that leads to heartache and destroyed trust.

My husband and I have committed with one another to never spend time alone with someone of the opposite sex, even while driving, and to include our spouse in any one-on-one communication with someone of the opposite sex.  This may sound extreme to some people, but we want to avoid even the “appearance of evil” (1 Thessalonians 5:22).  So, if my husband needs to talk to the YW president on the phone to coordinate activities, then I am in the same room.  If I have to send a text to my son’s basketball coach, then I show it to my husband.  I want all of my associations with the opposite sex to be completely transparent.  “Avoiding is better than resisting” (Goddard, 2009, 95).

The Lord’s standard for fidelity includes emotional and spiritual as well as physical fidelity.  In what ways do people commit emotional and spiritual infidelity?

Kenneth W. Matheson, Professor of School of Social Work at Brigham Young University outlined this in an article he wrote for the September 2009 Ensign :

·         Emotional Infidelity:  When emotions and thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse.

·         Spiritual Infidelity:  When a person does not honor their temple covenants and keep their thoughts in accordance with their covenants.

In sum, fidelity “means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife.” (2009). If you are not wholly and completely committed to your spouse, then you need to repent.  In modern-day revelation as recorded in the Doctrine and Covenants, God has commanded that “Thou shalt love thy wife [or husband] with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her [or him] and none else” (D&C 42:22).  

President Ezra Taft Benson expounded on this:

“The words none else eliminate everyone and everything.  The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.” (1972

For the sake of your marriage, it’s good to take a regular self-assessment of relationships outside of our marriage.  Matheson gives us some great questions to answer for this (2009):

Satan is very subtle.  As we are aware of his tactics and stay vigilant, our marriages can thrive under the protective canopy of complete trust and commitment. 

References:

Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Kimball, Spencer W., Faith Precedes the Miracle, 1972, 142-43.

Matheson, K.W. "Fidelity in marriage: It's more than you think." Ensign, Sept. 2009, 13-16.

What Now?

You will never be “done” improving your marriage; it’s an ongoing process that requires ongoing awareness and attention.  As in all things that are worth having, a happy marriage only happens when we put forth a conscientious effort.  Some may view this as more of a sacrifice than they are willing to make, but I have found that the reward is well worth it.  I will admit that, though I knew it was something I needed, I was hesitant to take this class and procrastinated it for a few semesters.  After all, it wasn’t as though we were on the brink of divorce, and I had reconciled myself with where we were at.  Besides, it was in my comfort zone and I honestly didn’t feel the need to change.

However, as I have tried to incorporate the principles taught in the Goddard and Gottman texts, the results have made me wonder why on earth I waited so long!  Though far from perfect, I can attest to the power behind these principles.  Rather than trying to change my husband, I now have a great toolbox from which to work on “fixing” myself and enhancing our relationship.  I don’t have to count on him doing anything differently in order to find more personal (and collective) peace and happiness in our marriage.  It’s empowering and enlightening to know what really does work. 

But there’s so much to remember!  How on earth will I be able to incorporate all of this in my already-crammed-life?  These are the thoughts I was having as I worked through this week’s readings. Then I came to the “Magic Six Hours” section in Gottman’s (2015) afterword.  Here he shows the practical application of his principles in just six hours per week.

Admit it: 

You can easily waste that much time on social media or other terrestrial tasks.  Why not use that time to create a celestial marriage you can enjoy here and now?

References:

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.

Coping with Marital Conflict

Two different people + Two different backgrounds + Two different personalities = Conflict

Every marriage is going to experience some type of conflict simply because you cannot clone and marry yourself.  It’s inevitable. The difference between happy and dissatisfied couples is in being able to keep these conflicts “in their place and approach them with a sense of humor” (Gottman, 2015, 138).  Gottman teaches that “Marriages are successful to the degree that the problems you choose are ones you can cope with” (Gottman, 2015, 139).  Early in my marriage I found it hard to “cope” with any of the ways my husband and I differed.  I’m a bit of a perfectionist, “Type A” if you will, and my husband is pretty laid back. This caused a lot of discord between us, mostly because in trying to address these issues I was very critical and condescending.  Any time I would try to approach him with what I deemed a reasonable request, it was met with defensiveness and contempt. This led to avoidance because trying to problem solve was very emotionally taxing and never seemed to make a difference.  Just as Gottman asserts, this avoidance led to emotional disengagement, which neither of us enjoyed, but seemed the only option as the “lesser of the two evils”.

I would definitely not choose avoidance again.  Conflict doesn’t have to burden us emotionally.  Following are keys we can utilize to cope effectively with our marital conflicts.

Keys to Managing Conflict:

1.      Negative emotions are important.  Successful relationships live by the motto “When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen.”  This isn’t pleasant, but we need to learn to listen to our spouses without feeling attacked in order to encourage healing.

2.      No one is right.  There is no absolute right, just two different perceptions (which are subjective).

3.      Acceptance is critical.  If we want our spouse to listen, they must believe that we understand, respect, and accept them for who they are.  Make sure that your spouse feels known and respected rather than criticized or demeaned.

4.      Focus on fondness and admiration.  Overlook your partner’s shortcomings and oddities, and view them as “amusing parts of the whole package”.  In order to do this, we must forgive one another.  In forgiving our spouse, we also give ourselves a liberating gift.  (James E. Faust, “The Healing Power of Forgiveness”, April 2004 General Conference).  

Fifteen years later we have retained our basic personality differences, but the conflict between us is no longer overwhelming, simply because we are learning better strategies in dealing with them.  

There are five different steps that Gottman teaches for effective problem solving in a loving relationship: 1) Soften your start-up; 2) learn to make and receive repair attempts; 3) soothe yourself and each other; 4) compromise; 5) process any grievances so that they don’t linger.

I’d like to close this post with a focus on how we can implement the first of these steps, since that is where I found myself most lacking in my past attempts at problem solving with my spouse. 

How to Soften Your Start-Up:

Image from https://www.gottman.com

Gottman teaches that the best soft start-up has four parts: 1) “I share some responsibility for this…” 2) Here’s how I feel… 3) about a specific situation and 4) here’s what I need (positive need, not what you don’t need).  (2015, 165). 

Remember: 

·         Keep the 4 Horsemen Out of It!  This should be a direct complaint rather than a criticism or contemptuous action.

·         Take some responsibility for the problem. “I know this isn’t all your fault.  I know I play a role in this issue as well.”

I know that implementing this seemingly small step in conflict resolution can make a big difference our marriages. 

References:

Faust, James E.   “The Healing Power of Forgiveness” April 2007 General Conference.

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.

Humility: The Key to Harmony

Irreconcilable Differences

Many marriages end on the terms of “irreconcilable differences”.  There isn’t any abuse or infidelity, but the spouses have determined that getting along with one another is impossible: they are just too different.  As I was reading Goddard’s chapter on Humility and Repentance, I think another way we could word this is by saying “You don’t see things from my perspective, and I just can’t accept your perspective.”  Neither spouse is willing to admit that there is any merit in their partner’s point of view, and this means that they are wrong or flawed.  Unless they change to conform to my selfish wants, I refuse to stay in the relationship.” 

The underlying cause for this mindset is pride.  Goddard teaches us that when we are prideful “We define the problem-whatever it is- in terms of our partner…We are innocent.  They are guilty.  Our narrow focus keeps us from noticing our own gaps in knowledge, our personal failings as well as the good qualities and good intentions of our partners” (2009, 72).  I know I’ve had many arguments that were never resolved simply because I was so intent on proving myself right that I refused to see my spouse’s point of view.  If we want a successful marriage, we must take our spouse’s perspective into account and “actively search for common ground [rather] than insisting on getting [our] way” (Gottman, 2015, 117). The truth is that “our perceptions are very limited.  We rarely know our partner’s heart or God’s purposes” (Goddard, 2009, 81).  It requires humility to open our minds to “heaven’s view” and our spouse’s perspective (Hymn, “Let the Holy Spirit Guide”). 

Cultivating Humility

Humility is God’s antidote for pride, and in order to be humble we must repent.  Basically, we need to focus on drawing closer to God by changing ourselves through personal repentance.  When we try to change our spouses, we are turning our backs to God (Goddard, 2009, 69).  When we feel irritated with our spouse that is an indicator that we need to change our thinking (Goddard, 2009, 83).  The next time you feel irritation creeping in, stop and assess your line of thinking.  Could you switch your focus from the outside and instead look within?

“None of Us Wants to Be Seen as a Problem to be Fixed.” –Goddard 

President Ezra Taft Benson taught that if we are humble we esteem others “as ourselves…lifting them as high or higher than we are” (Ensign, May 1989, 4).  Rather than trying to change one another we should focus on simply loving and accepting our spouse as they are rather than trying to “fix” them.  “If you would have God have mercy on you, have mercy on [your spouses]” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, 241).  Only then will our relationships thrive.  John Gottman illustrates the power of appreciation over correcting using this tire analogy:

We all know that tires with a slow leak eventually flatten and leave you stranded.

Similarly, criticizing your spouse will get you nowhere.

References:

Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books.